Dear Men, Don't Be Afraid to Step Up Your Game
About four years ago, I noticed a bombardment of How-To articles giving advice about incorporating texting into dating. For some people, depending on how they were raised and values they've adopted, this type of behavior is acceptable. But for someone who believes in courtship, building anything resembling a relationship is a nightmare.
I was first introduced to the concept of courting when I was a 13-year-old freshman in high school. What is courting and what does that entail? Traditionally, courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other. According to the Institute of Basic Life Principles, while dating the couple figures out what will work for them, they concentrate on developing a solid friendship that could lead to marriage, and they discern their readiness and God’s timing for their marriage.
At that age, you don’t care about those questions, you’re more worried about if your crush likes you — and if he doesn’t, how to get him to like you. I know I’m not the only woman who used to take those “get your crush to notice you” quizzes in Seventeen magazine.
When I entered college around 2002, texting as a main form of communication wasn’t popular. I was accustomed to guys walking up to me, introducing themselves, and if I liked what I saw and heard, we exchanged numbers and got to know each other via telephone conversations. Was texting involved at some point? Of course, but much of the talking was done over scheduled phone conversations and face-to-face interaction.
Texting wasn’t a big part of dating until I first entered graduate school in 2007. I immediately noticed that the dating process sucked. It made me understand and appreciate everything my mom had taught me about courting.
Now that I’m 33, taking another grad degree in Paris, it feels like the emphasis on texting has made men complacent and lazy when trying to get to a young lady. Some men who rely heavily on texting lack basic conversational skills. At a certain age in life, sending a wyd or how’s your day going text multiple times a day should not be your idea of getting to know someone, let alone be your main form of communicating.
What happened to the respectable, bold alpha males? There must be more than these lazy-ass passive-aggressive men who just simply can’t handle a woman with standards and class.
Still lost on what to do, if you should encounter someone who’s looking for a courtship? Here’s some friendly tips for the fellas:
- If you know you’re lame, and/or not looking for anything serious, just keep it moving.
- If you’re looking for a serious relationship and you found someone compatible and complementary, make the first move! There is nothing wrong with a guy introducing himself and striking up a conversation. If the conversation is great, ask for her number.
- In the early stages of the relationship, use texting for light-hearted stuff (i.e. thinking of you, good morning, etc.). For more personal conversations, call her and invest in face-to-face interactions as much as possible. This is how you truly get to know someone. And if by chance you’re dealing with someone who hates talking on the phone and prefers to text only (I’d peace out because that’s not normal), find a compromise and spend as much time as you can face-to-face.
- Can’t talk on the phone because of distance? Video chatting is better (to me)! This way, you can see and hear the tone of that person’s voice. This helps to cut back on miscommunication. Granted, there’s nothing like the physical presence of someone you like or love, but seeing them via video chat still brings out the butterflies and other warm feels (again, at least for me it did).
- Go super hard on dates! This doesn’t mean you need to plan something expensive, but the date should reflect some creativity, planning process, and romanticism. I mean, you can only Netflix and Chill so many times. Again, this reflects how you feel about the other person. If you’re going to half-ass it and just throw date night together last minute, why even bother?
While I’m very much aware times have changed, there are certain standards that I’m not willing to be lax on when it comes to a young man pursuing me. I don’t believe it’s conducive for anyone to lower their standards just to be in a relationship. You get what you allow, so start making these men up their game in their pursuit of getting to know you ladies.
