Ask Oscar Anything: Dating at AUP
In a romantic city like Paris, it can be disheartening if you are still on the search for a relationship, but never fear. As a self-proclaimed pick-up artist and a senior, I know dating at AUP and in Paris like the back of someone else's hand. Last week, I made use of my knowledge and took a brief survey in the Amex Café, where I collected student’s anonymous inquiries on dating. Here are my key responses to a few common questions:
Photo Credit: Oscar Padula
I'm scared of commitment. What should I do?
Try flinging yourself out of a first-story building. This way your fear of commitment will be overshadowed by your fear of death.
Is it bad to date someone in the same class?
Yes! Never date someone in the same class as you. There are too many potential problems that can occur. What if you start crying in class because you did not do the reading? Do you think that’s fun for them to watch? What happens when they realize that you can’t read, and you’ve been living an elaborate lie that has gotten you into university? This could happen to you. If you like someone in your class already, drop the course or convince them to drop it, then ask them out.
I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me, but I’m not sure. What should I do?
Call the police!
Photo Credit: Oscar Padula
My parents won't let me near a boy, but I really want to. What should I do?
You should respect the wishes of your parents, who I can only assume are devout Mormons. Dating can still be possible without drawing near to a boy. First, consider dating a mannequin. They retain both the general similitude and the subtle wit of most men. You may also consider getting an imaginary boyfriend; but be careful, sometimes they can get too real and leave you. I remember accidentally walking in on my imaginary girlfriend with my imaginary coworker. It did not end well.
How do I approach someone that I don’t know in the Amex Café that I like?
Simply walk over to them and introduce yourself. It is customary to first blow a trumpet, so that they you know you are prepared to speak. Then, casually introduce your full name and drop to your knees. Once kneeling, list all your best qualities. For me, I’d tell them about my cabbage doll collection and my albino Ferret named LaGuardia. When finished, it's always good to do a traditional medieval dance to show off your body.
Where can I take my date?
Most people would choose the Eiffel tower picnic of a rooftop bar with an astonishing view. However, I’d recommend the post office. Fall in love taking about stamps. If you are looking for a classier experience, go the Chatelet metro station and walk around.
Photo Credit: Lena Padula
What do I do if my partner has body odor?
Spray them with Axe body spray. It will delicately cover the stench while adding an understated chocolatey smell that tickles the nose.
When is it an appropriate time to say “I love you” in a relationship?
Almost anytime is appropriate. The first date is a good place to start. However, it is not appropriate to say it after they walk in on you talking a bubble bath with a broom handle.
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon
How do I break up with my partner without hurting their feelings?
Try to cry even harder than your partner when you break it off. After that display your partner will only feel pity.
I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, but he only wants to hang out with me at night and doesn’t want to go on dates. Does he like me or is he just hooking up?
This is a common problem that many people have gone through. Most often this is a sign that he likes you, and probably wants a meaningful relationship. Hang in there, I have a good feeling it's gonna work out!
