How To Become Parisian
Living in France and becoming one with the French culture takes time and endurance. Here are a few steps to make the process of acclimating to the French culture a bit easier. Just remember to be patient, laugh when you fail, and enjoy every small step in becoming French.
The French Diet
Get ready for a diet change. The French diet consists mainly of the four most important food groups: Bordeaux Wine, Brie, Espresso, and Baguette. Your water now becomes wine, your meat now becomes cheese, your bread just gets a million times better, and that watered merde you call coffee, throw it out and drink an espresso.
The French Stare
To practice intense stare please wake up at least 15 minutes early and start your morning growling and smirking at yourself in a mirror. Use these exact faces and share them with every person you encounter on your daily commute. Don't be afraid to give the stare to the elderly or children: they deserve your contempt as well.
Sidewalk Etiquette
Get prepared for motor scoters buzzing next to you on the side walk as they attempt to park two centimeters in front of their destination. The rules about walking on the right hand side of the sidewalk, forget that, it does not apply here at all. When people try to walk by you on the left hand side of the sidewalk use your French stare and show them that everyone is in the wrong.
Metro Etiquette
Learn to take up as much space as possible on the metro. When people are in need of using the bar to stabilize themselves, lean on it and don't let them attempt to put there hands anywhere near your back rest. When there is a metro car packed full, please still use the fold down seats even if your face happens to be in someone else's crotch.
Color Scheme
Black is your new favorite color. No discussion needed. Use it for your clothes, shoes, lingerie, soul, ect. Look here to learn how to dress more Parisian.
The French Vocabulary
Merde! (maird), Salope! (sal-OPE), Ta Gueule! (ta-GOOL), and Putain! (Poo-TAHN) become the only words you need in your vocabulary. Throw in a few oh la la’s and ah bon’s and you'll be set. The French also speak absolutely no English, be ready to speak only French for the rest of your life.
French & Relation to Time
“What is time? What is a schedule? Is being 5 hours and 23 minutes late THAT big of a problem?” Said every French person ever
Smoking with the French
Smoking is a necessity. Your lungs need to be the color of your clothing. It is just how it works here. When speaking with friends, having a glass of red wine, your fifth daily espresso break, or giving birth accompany with a cigarette.
Neighborhood Etiquette
Walls are thin in every single apartment. If you have children please strap concrete slabs to there feet every single morning starting at 6am. Let the children run freely through the apartment during their morning routine with said concrete slabs. Women wear your highest heels and men wear your thickest dress shoes while doing your morning routine. The neighbors will expect and appreciate this.
Shopping Etiquette
Buy everything on the Champs Eylsées. Groceries, fashion, animals, cars, ect. Make sure to buy only Chanel, Zadig et Voltaire, Hermes, and Louis Vuitton.
Food & French
Make food, talk about food, smell like food, argue food, watch documentaries on food, and sleep with food. It's like air here.
Relationships as a French Person
Find yourself a cinq à sept. This is the reference from 5-7pm where Parisians have an after work affair. Everyday work day of the week after you end your daily job at 5pm meet your mister or mistress and enjoy your two hours of fun.
