Nov 16th, 2020, 04:50 PM

Kanye West Demands A Recount

By Oscar Padula
Screenshot from Kanye West's 2020 campaign. Image Credit: Kanye West Campaign
The West Campaign claims they would have won the election — if not for fraudulent voting.

Kanye West is suffering multiple legal setbacks in Arizona, Michigan and Pennsylvania, blocking his pursuit to recount votes from the 2020 U.S. presidential election. West's campaign team was shocked when they learned they only won approximately 60,000 votes out of the 160 million total. On Monday, the campaign team held a virtual press conference to clarify their position.

"On November 7, we were preparing for an overwhelming victory and even paid for a non-refundable ballroom event with streamers and balloons to celebrate our hard-earned win," Tristan Piston, West's campaign manager, remarked. "We were so surprised that the polls indicated it was a close race between Biden and Trump, two candidates we did not foresee to be front runners, and so we knew that the system had to be rigged."

The Department of Homeland Security assured citizens that the election was secure, but West's campaign believes this is inaccurate. "I don't know why anyone would believe Homeland Security; it wasn't even an enjoyable TV show," West said, referring to "Homeland," a fictional TV drama series about CIA operatives.

"We are in the process now of spreading the truth," Piston explained. "We are sending out spam emails and handing out sharpie-written brochures telling people that the election was stolen, although we are concerned some of the brochures were dropped in a river."

A brochure handed out by the Kanye West Campaign. Image Credit: a confused recipient

On top of the promotion, the team is continuing to take its case to the court to no avail. West's case has been rejected by several big law firms and even a few local lawyers with TV ads. "I was very confused when Kanye's team approached me. It seemed rather pathetic," Art Garfunky, an Arizona lawyer with a strip-mall office, said. "I usually deal with cases of product liability or personal injury, so not only was I ill-prepared for his case, but disinterested, because there were no legal grounds to pursue it."

The West campaign is continuing to search for a firm that will take on the case. "Biden may have won 290 electoral votes, but we got 1,266 votes in Vermont alone," Piston said, as if unaware that West's 1,266 votes were not electoral. 

"We have won the election — no doubt about it. We have literally dozens of votes in my name," West concluded. "A lot of people questioned why I was even running and claimed I was trying to either disrupt votes for Biden or confuse young voters. Or they accused me of being clinically insane," West said before speaking in tongues for the rest of the conference. 

The West Campaign is still in denial, and as the Trump campaign, will continue to demand that the "right votes" be counted and the "wrong votes" be thrown out. West best summarized this process as a "healthy democracy, just like in Syria or North Korea — countries with bountiful peace, freedom and harmony."