Apr 10th, 2023, 09:00 AM

Birds of a Feather Plot Together

By Madeline Eslinger
Sleeper pigeon hijacks a Paris RER security camera to gain data on their human victims. Image Credit: Madeline Eslinger
Recent fowl play on the streets of Paris shed light on possible organized pigeon terrorist groups.

Paris, France, Feb. 15th— A Parisian street pigeon is witnessed exiting a Paris metro line 13 car early in the morning. Amounting confusion surrounds this peculiar event, because it provides undeniable proof the birds are evolving. The skill required to descend the metro stairs, the finesse necessary to slip through the turnstiles and the intellect and awareness of how to navigate the metro corridors and enter the subway car are all traits never before witnessed in lowly Paris pigeons. Or so we thought. 

If these birds are in fact sentient, then there is finally a lead to follow on the ever present pigeon war on humanity. Does this bird work as a spy, playing puppet for the bastardly bad, the anti-greater good pigeon crime groups? This writer believes that this particular pigeon's behavior connects to the consequential attacks and supposed unlawful pigeon society that has been discovered in multiple eye-witness accounts. So move over rats, you don't run this town, the pigeons do.

@tdreamy_v #pigeon #rer #paris #pt #pourtoi #prenezvosbillet #futurstar #pigeonvoyageur ♬ Sneaky Sneaky - Gold-Tiger

Parisian natives and foreigners alike have fallen victim to remorseless attacks by apparent organized pigeon crime groups. Based off of recent intel, we can assume that these pigeons to have divided into three distinct categories, each dedicated to a different form of domestic terrorism: attack pigeons, spy pigeons and sleeper pigeons. Each distinct group has been spotted at one point or another plotting our demise—their goal? To annihilate humans and other bird species alike from Paris, and perhaps the world. Watch out for these "common" birds, because as we've heard from a multitude of incidents, they're all equally dangerous. The following interviews were taken from people that have been affected by these flying mini-terrorists.

The first reported attack comes from Samantha Stutler, 19, and Cristina Singh, 18, who were minding their business on a nice stroll through the 14th arrondissement of Paris. On this fateful sunny day, a kamikaze attack, by what we can only assume to be a pigeon with a mission, was carried out on Stutler by this agent of darkness. When interviewed, Singh recalls the sky darkening with malice as she watched in horror while her friend was surrounded by a flurry of feathers and piercing talons. Stutler denied us her account of the story; following the attack she became one of the many to be afflicted with PTSD (Pigeon Trauma Stress Disorder) from her incident. Both Stutler and Singh have adequately recovered, but it is still difficult to pinpoint the intent of this attack. Malicious pigeon-on-human crime is fairly normal within the boundaries of the city, but with an uptick in numbers of attacks and off behavior as listed above, we think these events to be connected. 

We continue on to find that not even the Paris natives are safe—Antoine Liu, 18, has grown up his whole life surrounded by lowlife pigeons. He recounts the terror of witnessing a baby pigeon left stranded by their lawless parents. Liu and his friends gave their all to rescue this bird while keeping a watchful eye for any stealthy or dangerous pigeon so-called "parents". These creatures seem to have no remorse, even for their young. We suspect this abandonment to be connected to an influx in spy and sleeper pigeons within the city, to be looked into in later stories. Pictured below, Liu's companions on the day they stumbled across the poor squab, attempting to nurse it back to health. A host of similar abandonments have taken place, leaving the Paris Animal Welfare Society to pick up the pieces of broken nests across the city.

Students disover a nestless squab, and attempt to nurse it back to health. Image credit: Antoine Liu

Finally, in a recent interview with Abigail Ruggles, 18, she recounts strange behavior of the flighty creatures she witnessed a few months back. On this day, she tells us: "I was sitting on a park bench waiting for a friend to come out of our apartment complex and watched a pigeon repeatedly throwing and catching a giant piece of bread. I thought it was strange... I thought: 'That pigeon is too smart for its own good.' I don't know how it learned to do that, and I don't trust it." What Ruggles witnessed was a sleeper pigeon; one that keeps us in a state of denial and makes us think that pigeons are just dumb senseless creatures while their mal-intended brethren-in-arms attack us from behind. We must stay vigilant. Ruggles isn't the only one to be suspicious and wary of recent pigeon behavior. At this point, more than half of the Parisians in the city have experienced strange interactions with the birds. These few accounts of the terrors-on-wings don't even begin to show us the bigger picture, of the potential plot to destroy the human race and the world. Keep an eye out to the skies, mes amis. You may just be the next victim of their "coo".