Dec 14th, 2017, 02:17 PM

Does Being Single Mean I Suck At Life?

By Eboni NiCole
Why I’m more focused on being whole.
Image Credit: Flickr/Ito Araújo
Why I’m more focused on being whole than being in a relationship.

The other day my cousin asked me if I had found a French lover in Paris. I replied negative. After listening to the stories of other grad students who have gone out with French men, I think I’ll pass for now.

My cousin, like many friends and family who mean well, proceeded to tell me that I can’t study all the time. I need to live a little, he said. That irritated me. I almost ended the conversation right there. So I asked him, was he not living before he met his girlfriend? Of course, he didn’t answer.

I’m a single 33-year-old woman who dreads going home for the holidays because I don't want to have these conversations. All my life, my dad has stressed the importance of education first, focus on career and other life goals, secure financial stability, and then worry about relationships. Of course, life doesn’t always produce these things in that order. I’ve seen plenty of people find love in the collegiate phase of their lives.










But lately I’ve noticed that my dad has become more vocal about me being single. Why does everyone have an issue with being single? And why the hell do people think that living a full life is based on a relationship?

I’ve been told that I need to date just to go out, have fun, and get a free meal. First of all, I’m not that desperate or hungry to torture myself. I hate small talk and wasting time. If I clearly know that I’m not interested in any sort of relationship with a man, we’re definitely not going on a date. 

If you happen to be a woman who does this, I’m in no way judging you. It’s just not for me. As an introvert, I love being alone. In fact, I crave it. Interacting with people is hard, so interacting with a guy is just downright stressful at times. But that’s not why I’m single.








I’ve been in relationships and did the whole dating thing. I just got tired of it. I wasn’t meeting anyone who I felt was worth it. The prospect pool was, well, non-existent. I didn’t even know a decent amount of guys to put in a pool of options. In addition to that, I just refuse to settle. I refuse to have a piece of a man, just to say I have a man.

Since my birthday, I’ve really been examining my life. After doing some grim self-evaluation, I realize that there are parts of me that need work. I will never have a healthy relationship unless I’m my best.

If I’m not whole, then I have nothing to offer anyone. There are things that I want to accomplish on my own. I want to travel, go to music festivals around the world, explore amusement parks and a bunch of other weird (but cool) things on my bucket list before I get into another relationship.











This year alone, I’ve traveled to three different countries, which is a big deal for me. One of those countries — France — I relocated to for grad school. I get to hang out with friends, and drink by the Seine. I’m doing what I want to do, and I’m enjoying all of it single. At the same time, I’m also focusing on loving myself inside out. While I’m single, the best thing I can do is work on me, and address my shortcomings. Though I’ve grown a lot, there are still some areas that make me cringe.

Pastors, ministers, reverends, spiritual life coaches, and the like stress that marriage is about two whole people coming together as one. A significant other is supposed to complement you, not complete you. I want to be an asset in my relationships, not a liability.

So, for 2018 my goal is to be whole, healthy and full of joy. It was tough examining my faults and constructive criticisms received by others, but it was so worth it. There’s nothing better than investing in yourself.

DeVon Franklin on The Real - Answers your stressful holiday situations!