Feb 22nd, 2017, 10:56 AM

Vladimir Putin Exposed as a Vampire

By Hedvig Werner
Image credit: Flickr/Floris Looijesteijn
A rumor previously debunked as a conspiracy theory has now been verified by the CIA.

During one of U.S. President Donald Trump's (rare) intelligence briefings, the CIA introduced evidence that Russian President Vladimir Putin has allegedly found the key to immortal life. President Trump, considering his amicable relationship with the Russian President, questioned the validity of the information, and ordered the CIA to cancel all ongoing investigations with immediate effect. Following the briefing, the report was leaked to various news agencies around the world. In the report, CIA uncovered that President Putin is actually one and the same as Vlad the Impaler, Prince of Wallachia—otherwise known as Count Dracula. The report legitimizes scientific speculations surrounding President Putin's ageless appearance while riding horses shirtless, and it should be noted then that his youthful and invigorating appearance is certainly not a result of Olay Age Defying Anti-Wrinkle Night Cream.

There are various options that are recommended for possible defense against President Putin. Putin is vulnerable to the classic tools of the vampire-hunting trade, such as garlic, holy water, a crucifix, silver, and, most importantly, a wooden stake. Sunlight, on the other hand, ordinarily found to be a useful tool in revealing vampires, has proven ineffective in regards to the President of the Russian Federation thus far, for obvious reasons. Putin's former wife, Lyudmila Putina, revealed recently to the Peacock Plume that President Putin assembled a team of scientists to develop a sunscreen that would protect him from all known forms of UV rays before entering into office as Prime Minister in 1999. This could potentially explain his immunity to sunlight, as well as his rather fair complexion.

Merely shaking hands with such a stern man seems like an improbable opportunity. A viable option to defeat this markedly non-sparkling vampire could be political climbing within the Kremlin, which requires, quite frankly, strenuous effort. Powerful words are simply insufficient against someone as callous as Putin. A former KGB agent with a black belt in Judo, who, as a teenager, engaged frequently in fist fights on St. Petersburg streets is not exactly a manageable opponent. Evidently, Putin seems to view opposition as nothing more than a trivial matter, considering what may or may not be numerous ordered assassinations of opposing figures. Also, by tweaking the Russian constitution in 2008 ("officially" changed by President Medvedev), Putin might have potentially created a possibility to remain in power for what now could be considered forever, assuming that the newly discovered information is true. Although vampirism adds another layer to Putin's already tough exterior, it could in fact be a substantial weakness. With that in mind, Professor Abraham Van Helsing disclosed at a conference last week that, "when working with a wooden stake, precision is key. Preferably, the stake should be inserted into the heart of a vampire at a 45 degree angle from above". 

 

Disclaimer: This piece is satire and is not intended to be taken as fact—Putin, as far as Peacock Plume knows, is probably human.