US Coronavirus Task Force Deems Holiday Travel OK
On Thursday, U.S. Vice President Mike Pence appeared at the White House alongside top health officials to assess the foreseen travel many Americans will do this holiday season during the global pandemic.
"America has never been so prepared to combat this virus," Vice President Pence said, adding that "our team has discovered that it is nearly impossible to catch COVID-19 from holiday travel, so feel free to fill up airports like stuffing in a turkey."
Vice President Pence also remarked that "although a crowded airport filled with people traveling from every side of the globe may seem like a perfect hot-spot for the virus, our data concluded that it is perfectly safe," then directed further questions to Dr. Debster L. Bricks.
"This great coronavirus task force has discovered that while the virus may be airborne, it is afraid of flying commercial because of a personal phobia," Dr Bricks said with complete conviction. He continued, "our research indicates that people are not only protected by masks but with shields of sentimental holiday spirit that fill the air of many great American airports."
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The information provided by the task force was based on a study sponsored by Jet Blue and Southwest Airlines that collected data through "guesstimating," which they defined as "wanting something to be true, and thereby concluding it must be true."
Despite the task force's green-light on holiday travel, the cases in the United States have hit more than 200,000 cases per day. The Center of Disease Control and Prevention even contradicted the taskforce, recommending that people should avoid holiday travel.
Vice President Pence responded by saying, "who cares what the CDC said. People want to travel, so let them — we have alternative facts on our side." He added, "America, go out and travel freely: from California to Florida, and maybe ... just maybe, Wuhan."
Some airlines have even shifted their marketing strategies in support of the task force's statement. "Delta not only knows that it is safe to fly, but we are certain that our flights can cure COVID-19" Delta spokesperson Melany Gibson announced Friday. "We are so confident of this that we will let infected people fly for free with no mask," she continued, though four Delta flights have been grounded and isolated as COVID-19 hotspots.
Those who support Trump's administration have accepted the task force's data and defend it as a political point. "I am in full support of Trump and Pence" explained Santa Claus, a frequent holiday traveler. "Sure, I have a cough and a fever, but if flying cures COVID-19, I'll feel safe going into strangers' houses, eating their cookies and using their bathrooms," Claus said, adding that "I will not wear a mask, wake up sheeple."
Now that the holiday season is on its way, Americans will have to decide if they spend the holidays isolated or risk travel and put their faith in alternative facts.
