Dec 17th, 2020, 06:07 PM

The Darker Zones of Online Dating

By Kai Simpkins
Image credit: Sergey Zolkin, Unsplash
Cautionary tales about the dangers of meeting people online.

Online dating has always been an attraction on the internet. Even before dating sites were launched, back in the early 2000s people were using the web for dating via chat rooms. You could create a chatroom for just about anything and everything — reptiles, cult films or filling in the blanks of novels like The Catcher in the Rye. Inevitably, chatrooms for romance and sex started popping up.

That's when the dark zones of the online dating world began to emerge.

One often-cited case is that Kacie Woody, whose story would come to be a tragic cautionary tale about the dangers of meeting people online —and how easy it is to create a web of lies. In 2002, Kacie was a 13-year-old girl who lived in a suburb of Little Rock, Arkansas. Her father being a police officer and her brothers were often busy, so Kacie frequently found herself at home alone. In 2002, many young people were on chatrooms, spending hours after school connecting with new friends online. Over time, Kacie integrated her real-life friends from middle school with her new online friends.

Kacie joined a Christian chatroom along with her real-life friends. They later revealed that their real intent was to meet boys. Kacie was lucky to meet not just one, but two, attractive guys who had a crush on her. One was Scot, a 14-year-old boy from Georgia who enjoyed football and wrestling. Another was Dave, a 17-year-old from California who said he liked to surf.

Kacie developed strong bonds with both Scot and Dave, but eventually decided that Scot was the better choice. Despite this, they all remained friends, eventually talking on the phone and even exchanging letters. All of Kacie's immediate friends knew about Dave and Scot.

On December 3, 2002, something mysterious happened. Kacie disappeared. Her older brother reported her as missing.

At first, everyone suspected Scot, her online boyfriend, but he was soon cleared of any suspicion. The same couldn’t be said for Dave. He was the last person recorded as having spoken with Kacie.

With information from friends and chatroom history, authorities were able to identity him as David Fuller. He was not a 17-year-old. He wa a 47-year-old man from San Diego with a troubled past. He had been fired from his job as a car salesman after caught looking at pornography on a company computer. He had also been charged with domestic violence, but the case had been dropped for lack of evidence.

Despite identifying and locating Dave in a 20-hour window, authorities were too late. Fuller had abducted Kacie, then murdered her. He shot Kacie before taking his own life with the same firearm inside a storage unit.

As police further investigated, they looked into the chat history between Kacie and Dave. Everything he had told Kacie was a lie, fabrications exploited to establish a connection with Casey to the point that they talked on the phone, and even exchanged letters with one-another. Through his web of lies, he had gained Kacie's trust. 

Kacie would not the first, or last, person to be deceived through the internet. In the years following Kacie's tragic murder, the internet continued to serve as a platform for sexual predators. Near twenty years after Kacie's murder, we are still confronting the same issues of online safety.

A more recent case, in 2016, involved Stephen Port, the infamous Grindr killer in London, United Kingdom. Port used dating apps such as Grindr to meet and lure his victims. Grindr, a popular dating app like Tinder, it caters  to the LGBT community. Port could be considered an antisocial offender. Many reported that he lacked the usual social skills.Port was said to have a “child-like” mind and even considered to have a low IQ. His life on the internet relieved him of physical social obligations.

Port’s span of crimes occurred between 2014 to 2015 in Barking, in east London. Even through his killing spree was brief, he took the lives of several innocent victims: Anthony Walgate, Gabriel Kovari, Daniel Whitworth, and Jack Taylor. His method was to meet his victims at a bar and then invite them to his home. He would then spike their drinks with GHB. Considered a "perfect rape drug" for its lack of taste, and only remaining within the body for 12 hours.

Following his arrest, in 2016 Port was sentenced to life in prison for the murders.

Image credit: Priscilla Du Preez, Unsplash



According to Pew Research center, 30% of adults in the United States say that they used some form of online dating. Apps such as Tinder, Hinge, Plenty of fFsh, and Grindr have made meeting people a less complicated and anxiety-ridden process. Most follow a “swiping” method that originated from tinder. You see someone’s picture and if you find them attractive, you swipe right. Though, if you lack interest… You swipe left. If both you and the person in question swipe right, then it’s considered a match, and you’ll be allowed to chat with them. Some might consider this “looks come first” method shallow, but it’s proven to be affective nonetheless.

People should not be discouraged from interacting with others online. Online socializing is pervasive today. Going on job interviews, meeting new friends at a restaurant, even being involved with social events might require one to have some form of social media. What this article is attempting to achieve is clarity about safely navigating through the internet. If anything, not having a social media account might cause someone so scratch their head with slight confusion.

For this article, I have enlisted the help of one professional, and two people of different age and genders to talk about their experiences and safety when meeting people online. The expert is a professional in the field who we will refer to as "M". He is currently a policy advisor with the government and previously worked with certified sex offenders for 25 years. My other two interviews are with people who use these apps themselves. One is an eighteen-year-old female known as Y. While the male is 28 years old and known as L.

What do people meet online? 

M: Well, it’s not a bad thing. this is a question that’s asked with every aspect of new technology and advancements. What’s intended for good also offsets for misfortune. Even though we hate to admit it, we are all subjected to dark, human behavior.

How did you work with the sex offenders? Were they allowed social media accounts?

M: I worked alongside a psychologist, doing group and private meetings specifically with what we call antisocial offender’. Which means they are criminal in nature, but lacked social skills in the real world. People were usually with us for a year- year and a half. In our program, we don’t allow them to have social media, we took frequent polygraph tests and asked them questions like “Since your last polygraph, have you created or used a social media account?”

What motivates online predators?

M: It’s all about physiological force for them, using a series of behaviors that emotionally tie their victims in. What someone isn’t getting out of their immediate family or friends (affection, attention), the predator can provide it. Then there’s the power to feel connected to something, people in compromised positions are usually the targets

But what are these sites and apps doing about predators? Overall, not much. Tinder itself has been accused of allowing sex-offenders to make accounts. There’s not specific background checks (or at least reliable ones) being used on such major platforms. Now, dating sides such as Match.Com have new advancements with their technology. Since 2011, they have been doing background screenings of their members, able to find out any of them are sex offenders. Though, this feature is only within the United States. Tinder, Grindr, and other dating sites and apps are reluctant to follow in such steps, leaving their own member vulnerable. At most, these apps will just offer advice or ways to report inappropriate behavior from a user. This goes back to M’s point about avoiding liability, that there are no legal bindings to hold these companies accountable by.

That’s the suggestion M would bring to the table, and it would be a valid one. But wouldn’t they be liable as well if they didn’t protect their users? And where is the government’s part in all of this? Are they holding them by any standards? If there’s no legal obligations or pressure coming from the government, then these companies can and continue to overlook the dangers. Maybe if they had certain regulations to begin with, Casey would still be alive? Think of it like a new medicine; Before they can be prescribed to the general public, they go through testing trials that could take months, even years. In doing this, the scientist can depict the side effects, time before results are shown in the body, and if it’s safe for human consumption. Though, this is a common thing when it comes to a new invention. They bring positive effects, and we can only hope they outweigh the negative. Like cars, humans are now able to travel and get to destinations in reduced time. The negative attribute? Humans can now become injured or even be killed by cars.

***

Do you use dating sites/ apps? Which ones do you use? Were there other ways you’ve met a romantic interest through the internet?

L: I’ve used OKCupid but only for a short time. Most romantic interest I’ve met have been through online gaming.

Y: The first dating app I used when I was 16 called “Yubo”. The app was designed to make friends, however it was used as an online dating app. I stopped using it when I found a partner from there. When I turned 18, I briefly installed Tinder and used it for a little less than a month, occasionally checking it every now and again. Whilst I have not been active for a few weeks, it is still downloaded on my phone.

Why did you use a dating site/app?

L: I used OkCupid because I was trying to move on from an abusive ex and was hoping to meet someone new. After many bad dates, I decided to stop and just stick to meeting someone in an online video game. That way I could at least have that in common with the person and build something from there.

Y: I chose to use Yubo due extreme emotional issues I had going on at the time - I wanted attention and to keep my mind off of what was going on at the time around me. Getting in a relationship was not my true intent. When I decided to use Tinder, it was generally out of boredom and for slightly similar reasons - I wanted general attention and to meet new people. This time around, though, finding a relationship was/is the main goal.

Have you ever been catfished?

L: So, I met this "girl" on a game and we had a lot of fun and played a game called Cabal Online lot. They were really sweet and kind and we flirted a lot and hit it off. I was only a teenager during this time... Like 14/15 and as we got more and more close they finally admitted they were a guy. They had sent me pictures of their ex-girlfriend and not themselves and I was naive enough to just believe them even though we weren't in voice. I tried to remain friends with them afterwards but it was just too awkward and I had some resentment to towards them. I tried to play it off and make a joke out of it but I was dodging my feelings of anger and frustration towards this person. I was lonely and they were my main friend in that game so I think I was afraid to lose that.

Do you have another instance?

L: Another time was over OkCupid... Though it wasn't really a catfish as much as she changed her pictures to make her look one way and when I picked her up on the date she looked totally different... In terms of weight/size. It wasn't like she used old pictures either because we even used webcam but she just angled it in a way that made her look totally different. She was definitely experienced at that.

Could you give me more details?

L: She just angled the camera in a way that made her look WAY thinner. Her face, her body she just looked completely different when I picked her up. She even tried to layer herself and wear a lot when I picked her up because she knew she looked different. It wasn't cold out at all. It sounds shallow on my end but it was just a radical change from how she appeared online

When asked the same question, Y responded with: “No, I haven’t. I Think catfishes are easy to spot but I thought about it more and figured there’re probably more common than I think? I know a fair few people who have been victim to it.”

Image credit: Daria Nepriakhina, Unsplash

 

Have you ever felt unsafe using social media/dating apps?

L: I never felt unsafe per say... Maybe a bit betrayed or lied to but never unsafe, at least not from online dating.

Y: Yes. The first person I met up with (mentioned before) made me feel unsafe - I was alone in the dark with him on a low phone percentage. Focusing only online, though, I have received many unwanted sexual messages that have made me uncomfortable. I once had a man significantly older than me ask me for my address so that he could get a taxi for me to visit him. I declined and blocked him.

Why did you use a dating site/app?

L: I used OkCupid because I was trying to move on from an abusive ex and was hoping to meet someone new. After many bad dates, I decided to stop and just stick to meeting someone in an online video game. That way I could at least have that in common with the person and build something from there.

Y: I chose to use Yubo due extreme emotional issues I had going on at the time - I wanted attention and to keep my mind off of what was going on at the time around me. Getting in a relationship was not my true intent. When I decided to use Tinder, it was generally out of boredom and for slightly similar reasons - I wanted general attention and to meet new people. This time around, though, finding a relationship was/is the main goal.

Have you ever met in person with someone you met through the internet?

L: Yes, both romantic relationships and non-romantic friendships I've met in person. I met a friend from Australia passing through the states, I met a friend that lives an hour away and let him stay at my place to take a test that was 5 minutes from my house. I met a girlfriend, and many times, flied back and forth to New York to see them. Later on, when they got over their fear of flying, they did the same and would fly back and forth to California to see me.

Y: I met a person randomly on a whim from Yubo after I had college. We ended up walking through a park. But my first longtime partner was met on Yubo and we were in a relationship for one and a half years, dating from December 2018 to June 2020. I met him around a month after talking to him.

***

Some people use the internet is seen as an escape from reality, meeting people who they believe care for them. For some, there’s too much anxiety in interacting with humans on a physical level, and they more comfortable behind a computer screen.

In this day and age, do you think it’s harder to meet people in person?

L: For me personally it is next to impossible to meet someone in person, so I will say yes. With my occupation, I don't get to go out and meet people so I really only have online as an option. With Covid that makes it even more difficult than it already was. This is just for me though, I'm sure people have a much easier time than I would.

Y: The internet is much bigger than it used to be and plays a pivotal role in nearly everybody’s life. I do think that meeting people outside is less common - whilst I have plenty of friends in my area I know online, I have not met any in person as of yet. I think people only meet in person if there is a close bond.

If everyone understood the warning signs, then shows like MTV’s Catfish would no-longer exist. It’s easy to post a picture of someone else, or perhaps use an app to edit one’s body and face. Countless videos online of professional photographers showing off the power of Photoshop can be found. But looks aren’t everything either, it’s impossible to look at someone and know all of their history. The woman you might sit beside one day in the metro, you don’t think much of her. She is looking down, browsing through music on her iPhone. She’s clean cut, if anything, looks to have a new trim, wearing trendy rain boots and flaunting the newest apple watch on her left arm. If she were to turn to you and reveal that she’s a convicted felon, charged for physical assault, would you believe her?

Now, dating sides such as Match.Com have new advancements with their technology. Since 2011, they have been doing background screenings of their members, able to find out any of them are sex offenders. Though, this feature is only within the United States. Tinder, Grindr, and other dating sites and apps are reluctant to follow in such steps, leaving their own member vulnerable. At most, these apps will just offer advice or ways to report inappropriate behavior from a user. This goes back to M’s point about avoiding liability, that there are no legal bindings to hold these companies accountable by.

***

So long as one takes necessary steps, meeting people online can be safe, as well as fun and productive. I’m no expert, but with having my own experiences with online dating I think there are some important things to consider:

Never giving out personal information online

It’s normal for someone to ask what you do for work, your studies, etc. It’s an innocent question as well if one asks “What arrodissement do you live in?” But never give out your exact address to people you have just met online. Predators might use the excuse of: “Oh I just wanted to send you a gift, some flowers!” Just kindly decline, and if you feel that they keep pushing the question… The block button is your best friend.

Always meet in a public place

Though, I wouldn’t recommend a park, especially at night. A coffee shop, restaurant, or perhaps a museum proves to be great places. There’s other people around, and if you ever feel uncomfortable it’s easy to just leave. Try to avoid meeting someone for the first time in a private place such as one’s home.

Let friends or a loved one know where you are going

My friends and I have a group chat that has proven to be useful for this very reason. When one of us goes on a date, we will post the profile of the person in our chat, as well as the venue we plan to meet them in. From there, we also post our live location and keep it on until we are home safely.

Don’t allow for them to pick you up in their car.

For the first few dates / meetings it’s best to avoid it. There have been countless stories about people being abducted in cars. Perhaps this rule is me just being paranoid, but it’s a lot easier for someone to have control over you when you’re locked inside of their car. Of course, back in the 1950’s it was considered chivalrous to pick up your date in your car. But it’s 2020, and we don’t have such peace of mind luxuries anymore. If ever your date suggests picking you up, kindly decline, and say you’ll make your own way to the meeting place.

Be careful about what you do around them

What I mean by this is perhaps drinking or taking other substances that may interfere with your mental state. Predators might try and take advantage of you. It’s unfortunate, but no longer uncommon, that people will spike their dates drinks to get them in a state of vulnerability. This is also good advice in general when going to a social scene. At a house party? Take your cup with you wherever you go. If you put it down, don’t drink it again… Just get a new cup. Someone wants to buy you a drink? Go with them to watch the bartender prepare the drink for yourself. This might sound tedious, but can save people from dangerous situations.



The case studies about Kacie Woody and Stephen Port are rare, and extreme occurrences when it comes to meeting people online. But I nonetheless wanted to use them spread awareness and help people protect themselves, and loved ones from such tragedies. The internet is an amazing, wonderful place that brings people from all walks of life together. But we must acknowledge, and navigate our way through the darker parts of it.