Sep 11th, 2017, 12:16 PM

Breaking News: Dry Night at the Amex

By Ian Tillotson
Image Credit: Ali Beau Nielsen
Alcohol crisis at AUP

Tragedy struck at the Amex when the bartender was forced to make a solemn announcement.
“Ladies and gentleman,” the bartender said, wringing his hands and gulping, “we’ve run out of wine."

Updates will be presented with names changed to protect the innocent.

8:00 PM: there are groans, moans, and wailing, particularly from a freshman, “I just turned 18!” one freshman (name redacted) commented. “I wanna get f***** up and dance! Is that too much to ask?” More updates as they come. This reporter came prepared with a hip flask full whiskey.

8:15: The first of the freshman are breaking down. One gentleman is crying in a corner, sobbing “I just wanted one more pint of the good beer!” The professional drinkers look grim and are slowly drinking the last of the liquor while others panic. I asked one sophomore why they don’t just leave and get more liquor elsewhere. They commented: “Bruh, I’d have to pay for that s***. I’m not gonna pay extra for booze when I don’t have to.”

8:30:  Half the freshman are now breaking down. The pockets of isolated tantrums are interspaced with juniors and seniors sighing and sipping the last of their drinks. One freshman is thrown out for trying to steal my flask.

8:45: The first of the weeping Freshman are carried out. The sophomores are starting to cry silently into their empty cups.

8:50: The bar's owner makes an announcement, saying that a keg run is being made, and urging to keep calm. This is met with cheers.

9:00: One hour until the event end. Volunteers haven’t come back with liquor. Even the seniors are gritting their teeth in frustration. “I should have anticipated something like this…” One melancholy senior comments, “It’s, like, some people don’t expect an event with a bunch of 18-year-old kids who can drink legally for the first time to go through the booze in a calm and responsible manner. F*** no, they’re gonna drink like fiends.”

9:15: Sophomores, Juniors, and the weaker willed Seniors are crying now. The most resolute Seniors are debating leaving and just going out for a pint. “For Christssakes,” the last remaining Freshman says, throwing his cup in disgust, “I’m just going to go to the bar three blocks down. Daddy’s money is good for something.”

9:30. Half an hour before the event ends. The volunteers haven’t returned yet. A second expedition is planned and more volunteers are sent out. They’re sent off with tears and salutes. One senior is given a handkerchief by a sophomore. Drama queens.

9:45: Fifteen minutes until the event ends. The student event organizer finds out that both groups of volunteers bailed and went to the bar three blocks down. Most of the attendants finally leave in frustration.

9:50: Myself, the bartender, the remaining four volunteers, the organizers, and their close friends only remain. The coordinator is crying in the corner, comforted by her friends. The bartender and the remaining volunteers are cleaning, careful to step around the puddles of tears.

10:00: The event ends. My work here is done. Everybody remaining is going to get drinks elsewhere. Cleaning has been deferred to the morning.