Oct 25th, 2018, 12:00 PM

7eme Madame Leaves Dogshit for Skaterboy

By Marielle Dalvet
Image Credit: Alizée Chaudey
Thrasher-sporting AUP student glides into stool sample.

Disclaimer: this is a satire piece and is not meant to offend anyone. 

PARIS—Skateboard enthusiast and mediocre student Danny Skatesalot was running late for class on Thursday. Skating late rather than running late, Skatesalot's eyes were bloodshot and his mind was on the grind, failing to make a clear distinction between a piece of dogshit and the crunchy autumn foliage. No crispy crunches were heard wheeling over the unknown matter; even the Spitfire bearings couldn't prevent the skateboard from slowing down. AUP skater boy realized he lost speed and that he had been sprayed in the back of the legs with a suspicious brown substance. 

Image Credit: Alizée Chaudey

Lightly toasted, Skatesalot failed to realize that the very substance splashed on his bare calves was in fact dog shit. It was too late- he was already 15 minutes late for his economics midterm and he has only just arrived in front of Combes. He ran into class, muttering a quick "sorry" to his professor as he grabbed an exam and shuffled over to the only available seat in the front. After taking a good, long look at the first question, Danny realized he was doomed. He knew one of the four multiple choice options must be correct, so he proceeded to circle his go-to guess, "C."

By the time Danny hit question number three, he noticed a certain smell that overpowered his barely-present concentration on the supply and demand curves on the paper. People began staring at him. More specifically, people began staring at the back of his legs. As Danny looked down at his skateboard and pants, he came to the realization of what exactly it was that he had run over right outside of Combes.

Image Credit: Alizée Chaudey

As the whole class, professor included, burst out laughing, Skatesalot took his things, his skateboard, and hastily left Combes. As he skated away from his failed midterm and the laughter of his peers, he noticed an old lady walking her small Chihuahua. As he glided by the woman and her rat-like dog, he couldn't help but notice that they look exactly alike. The Chihuahua was dropping a deuce right there on the sidewalk. Skatesalot quickly hid behind a car to spy, noticing that the old, bourgeoisie-looking French woman left the stool sample on the sidewalk rather than picking it up.

Danny finally understood- it was the Chihuahua's waste that he had on his pants. He followed the old lady to her house, and once the coast was clear, Skatesalot left a stool sample of his own on the Madame's front door.